Zwei Seelen wohnen, ach, in meiner Brust

Various translations of this quote online:

Two souls dwell, alas! in my breast
Two souls, alas! reside within my breast.
Two souls, alas, are housed within my breast.
Two souls, alas, are dwelling in my breast.
Two souls, alas! are lodg'd within my breast.

Damn squatters. Faust should have charged both souls rent. It's not like the space is free or anything.

Imparting Pearls Of Utter Foolishness

After slogging through 250 pages of why ISDN H-channels are not the same as N x 64 channels, my brain, like a recalcitrant pony, is balking at the sheer thought of reading another page. It's not the best behaved brain in the world, mind you. After 250 pages, it always balks. It's like clockwork. I've tried caressing it, feeding it tasty oats and taking it for a trot in the morning, but right now it looks a little fagged. Maybe I should put it out to pasture.

However, I have learned some valuable lessons from reading Telecommunications: A Beginner's Guide, which I would like to share with you, dear reader.

1. There is a reason why Cisco's marketing materials sound like they were written by an army of monkeys on crack. Because they were.
2. These are probably the same goddamn monkeys who invented English pronunciation rules, or rather the lack thereof.
3. Switches are essentially modern-day witchcraft, and anyone who understands them has probably sold his soul to the devil.
4. This joke is still not funny:
   Q: What did the data terminal equipment say to the data circuit terminating equipment?
   A: 10101001110001010010100100100101000100111!
5. All work and no play makes Trench an unspeakably dull boy.
6. When I'm reading this bilge, I can't get no inspiration. But I try. And I try. And I try. And I try.
7. The next textbook I read will have pictures, color-by-numbers and crossword puzzles. You know, something like "Pokémon Visits the Polymer Processing Plant".
8. Whoever wrote the ISDN chapter is guilty of committing acts of gross boredom and should be boiled in oil. Feet-first.
9. Advanced Intelligent Networks are pretty cool, actually.
10. I used to say that the best thing about being a translator was the fact that you were constantly learning. Now, I think it's a toss-up between learning and writing. God, I missed blogging.

Sense Of Humor, Anyone? - Part 2

ProZ has a funnybone!

Sense Of Humor, Anyone?

While it doesn't even come near the weapons of mass lawyer humor stockpiled around the 'net, I did find a page devoted to translation jokes. Here's my current favorite:

Translator gets 400 words to translate.
Client : How long will it take?
Translator : About a week.
Client : A whole week for just 400 words? God created the world in 6 days.
Translator : Then just take a look at this world and afterwards take a look at my translation.

Bigwig Bitching

Might just be the world's greatest translation for "Jammern auf hohem Niveau"*.

I dare you to use it. No, I double-dog dare you. No, you first. No, you first.

___
* Literally "Complaining at a high level." Means that high-powered politicians and executives in Germany are running around complaining that the sky is falling and it's everyone else's fault but theirs.
___

Update: I was wrong, obviously. All it means is that people are complaining before they really need to. sigh Sometimes I think I'm never going to learn German.

Murphy: 4, Trench: 0

My website: down.
My computer: not working.
My new webhoster: incompetent.
My expensive bicycle: hit by a truck.

Tell Murphy that the next time I see him we're gonna throw down. I'm not taking this anymore.

It's A Bitch, Then You Die

Life. n. What gets between you and blogging.

I will resume posting once the Blogging Gods are with me again. Right now, they're hurling fire and brimstone down.

Update:
Actually the Blogging Gods are with me. Not that it helps much. As divinities go, they're 98-pound weaklings, so the other gods keep kicking their asses all over Paradise. Wimps.

Why I Love This Job

Yesterday's topics: pens, pizza and mascara

Today's topics: money laundering

Not one second of boredom here! Well, maybe one second. Or two. But no more than two seconds of boredom!

TPB Opens A Can Of Whoop-Ass On CPAJ

The February 2005 issue of CPA Journal has an article on IRC section 509(a)(3) supporting organizations:

Supporting organizations can be used by anyone in the high-income tax bracket who wishes to retain control of assets within the family. They can receive a 50% adjusted gross income (AGI) deduction for removing the asset ownership from their estate, yet maintain virtually the same control they had as fee-simple owners.

Hmmm. A tax shelter. Hmmm. We-e-e-lllll, it's gotta be kosher, right? I mean, it's in the Internal Revenue Code and all.

Imagine my surprise, then, when I read yesterday in TaxProfBlog about

reforms to stop the use of 'supporting organizations' for generous tax breaks rather than charitable purposes.

For the record, CPA Journal had put that article in its "Essentials" section.

Source Or Target? Yin Or Yang? Death Or Hell On Earth?

In locker rooms, guys talk a lot about whether they're a "butt and legs man" or a "boobs man". In fact, that's pretty much all they talk about in locker rooms. Translation is a lot like locker rooms, except there's less risk you'll get thwacked on the ass with a wet towel in the shower.

I, myself, am a target man. Nothing floats my boat better than a sweet, juicy target text that reads, feels and sounds like the author has never been farther upstate than Bowling Green, Kentucky, let alone Germany. I hadn't done any stick-to-source* texts in so long, I had forgotten what it was like.

Until, that is, I got some standard contract terms that shriveled up my translation libido faster than a naked picture of Rush Limbaugh. For me, it was the translation equivalent of getting thwacked with a wet towel. Really hard.


Real men thwack (and translate) to the death.

*Stick-to-source: adj. Refers to texts that - c'mon, this is a humor post. Do I really gotta get into theory here? Just roll with it. Believe me, it will make it a lot funnier.

The Hired Guns Weigh In

To Whom It May Concern:

It has come to our attention that the operator of the website trenchtranslation.blogspot.com (hereinafter "the Website") has made numerous disparaging, hateful and defamatory comments regarding the World Association of Lexicographers (hereinafter "Harmless Drudges").

We hereby demand that you cease and desist from mounting any such groundless attacks against Harmless Drudges on the Website until such time as we have looked up the exact definitions of "trenchant" and "blog", and have made a determination as to whether it means "cash in the bank for us".

Yours faithfully,

Lex Luther, Esq.
Attorney-At-Law

Let's Play Guess The Reference!

This one goes out to all the translators in Annual Report Land:

April is the cruellest month, breeding
Profits out of the dead land, mixing
Targets and desire, stirring
Dull hopes with earnings forecasts.
Winter kept us warm, nurturing
Indexes with measured hikes, feeding
A little life with warmed-up forecasts.
The 200-point index plunge surprised us, coming over Wall Street
With a shower of gloom; we stopped in Fifth Avenue,
And went on in the sunlight, into Starbucks,
And drank coffee, and day-traded for an hour.

In A Bookstore: Vol. 4

Clerk (turning to Other Clerk): Remind me again: why am I doing this job?

Other Clerk: Because you hate translating.

Clerk: Oh, yeah. Right. (Picks up a broom and starts sweeping behind the counter. Soon, he begins whistling cheerfully)

In A Bookstore: Vol. 3

Clerk: Dictionaries 'R Us, Buddy speaking, how may I help you?

Translator: You RIP-OFF BASTARDS! I bought this CD, this, whatchamacallit, Eichborn. And now I can only use it on one PC?

Clerk: I'm sorry sir, if there are any restrictions they're not ours. We just sell the dictionaries.

Translator: 500 euros.

Clerk: Excuse me?

Translator: 500 euros is what I paid for this piece of crap. Now I gotta buy a new one if I upgrade my PC. You BASTARDS! I HOPE-

Clerk: (hangs up)

In A Bookstore: Vol. 2

Clerk: Dictionaries 'R Us, Buddy speaking, how may I help you?

Translator: Hi, I was wondering if you could tell me how to say "property, plant and equipment" in Bengali.

Clerk: Sorry, ma'am. We can't give out that information. You have to buy a dictionary and look it up for yourself.

Translator: C'mon, I'm in a real bind here!

Clerk: Sorry, ma'am. Company policy.

Translator: Well, thanks for nothing! Bye! (hangs up)

In A Bookstore: Vol. 1

Clerk: Dictionaries 'R Us, Buddy speaking, how may I help you?

Translator: Got Finnish dictionaries on trout?

Clerk: Trout?

Translator: Yeah. Trout. You know, the fish? Got any?

Clerk: Let's see... just trout, or river-dwelling fish in general?

Translator: Well, I'd prefer a dictionary on the migration patterns of trout in the Yukon, but at this point, I'd settle for anything on trout.

Clerk: I'm sorry - the best I can do is "The Language of Salmonology" in Hungarian.

Translator: I'll take it! Don't let anyone else buy it. I'll be right there!

Clerk: Righty-O. (hangs up)

The Conversation Pit

Today's topic:
If language were a cell, what organelle would the translator be?

Talk amongst yourselves.


Want some protoplasm with that?

Service4Trans Unveils Next-Generation Bullshit Detector

NixBS 2.0 delivers crucial value-added for translation professionals

April 18, 2005 - Service4Trans, Inc., one of the leading providers of software tools for translation professionals, has just released NixBS 2.0, its much-anticipated next-generation bullshit detector for translation professionals.

The tool fills a gap in the market for a database-driven, media-rich technology that differentiates between actual fact and specious blather. Drawing on brute-force processing methods and aggressive algorithms, NixBS 2.0 helps translators identify terms in their dictionaries that are slightly, mostly or totally bullshit and instantly launches denial-of-service (DOS) attacks against the websites of the incompetent lexicographers who committed the gravest errors.

Service4Trans, Inc.'s CEO, Jeremiah Wuzza Bullfrog, explained the principle behind the tool: "Rather than populating cyberspace with bogus terminology, translators can now focus on researching terms that the lexicographer stole from another poorly researched dictionary. Obviously, we're very excited about this innovation, which puts us in a class above the competition."

Dictionary publishers Langenscheidt and Axel Springer could not be reached for comment. A spokeswoman at PONS was quoted as saying, "Yeah? Well, yo' mama, too!"

***

Service4Trans, Inc. is a Fortune 500,000,000,000,000,000 Company and one of the leading providers of software tools for translation professionals. Founded in present-day San Francisco in 1521 by a group of Aztecs fleeing the Spanish invaders, Service4Trans has been transformed into a highly advanced, warlike society that communicates with bits of brightly colored string and pictures of farm animals.

I, Robot

Many clients are positively drooling over the prospect of a machine that will replace us. I’ve had people at client companies say to my face, “Oh, you’re a translator? Huh – well, in a few years, computers will be doing your job for you!” And then – I love this – they laugh.

Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Real funny.

Ask these people whether machines churn out their press releases, and they look at you blankly. Is their software automatically generated? A shake of the head. But their design process is fully automated, right? Well, no.

But translation, of course, is simple, right? I mean, you already have the text. You just have to, you know, transfer it to another language. It can’t be that hard, can it?

This is the point where I have to physically restrain myself from STABBING THEM THROUGH THE EAR IN THE BRAIN WITH A BIC PEN. I haven’t killed anyone so far. But keep your eye on the headlines. You never know.

The Wages Of Sin, Or: Does Sin Pay?

Knowing we are all sinners at heart, ClientSide News LLC decided to publish the most brazen whore of a translation journal I have ever seen. It is a shameless, vapid, blatant vehicle for translation vendor advertisements.

Interested? I knew you would be! Click here, and be sure to check your scruples at the door!